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humor in my inbox

Dear President Bush,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would propose and support a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage. As you said "in the eyes of God marriage is based between a man a woman." I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination... End of debate.

Now I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? What if I can afford Celine Dion? Or Gretzky?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. What does Laura say?

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or can you send your Secret Service to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev.11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination? Is anal sex safer than Lobster Newburgh -- or the other way around?

7. Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field. He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone him? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn him to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively since you were born again and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help.

And thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

An adoring fan

Comments

( 9 comments — Leave a comment )
prester_scott
Dec. 14th, 2004 04:02 pm (UTC)
Oh dear God, not this again.
kmo
Dec. 14th, 2004 08:14 pm (UTC)
not again
It was new to me.
gentlemaitresse
Dec. 14th, 2004 04:20 pm (UTC)
I wonder why people have changed this from a letter to Dr. Laura to a letter to President Bush.
i_s_d
Dec. 14th, 2004 05:38 pm (UTC)
they can't get over the fact that liberalism is dying in america.
gentlemaitresse
Dec. 14th, 2004 05:43 pm (UTC)
I'd rather see authoritarianism, in all its guises, die a brutal death.

Personally, I'm socially liberal and physically conservative, and libertarian overall.
i_s_d
Dec. 14th, 2004 06:02 pm (UTC)
here here. if only the religious right and the communists would shut their mouth i could feel less creepy for voting either republican or democrat (although, the republicans blab alot about "morality" and what not, but the business conservatives, e.g. me, gulianai, schwartzenegger(sp?), get everything done, and it why i ussually side with them).
kmo
Dec. 14th, 2004 08:16 pm (UTC)
Y W? He's more famous.
I don't know much about Dr. Laura, but I've heard quite a bit about GWB's supposed religiousity.
gentlemaitresse
Dec. 15th, 2004 05:57 am (UTC)
Re: Y W? He's more famous.
This letter was actually written to Dr. Laura. She's an orthodox Jew who dispenses advice for moral living on a daily radio call-in program.

It becomes propaganda to change it to make it look like it was sent to Mr. Bush.

zmary
Dec. 14th, 2004 08:48 pm (UTC)
One of my faves!
I've seen this before, but I love it, and I'm glad you posted it. I was actually thinking of it recently, and meant to look it up. Thanks for saving me the effort! :-)
( 9 comments — Leave a comment )

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