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Blue State Humor

vector: Andrew Sigal



Dear President Bush:
Congratulations on your victory over all us
non-evangelicals. Actually, we're a bit ticked off
here in California, so we're leaving. California will
now be its own country. And we're taking all the Blue
States with us. In case you are not aware, that
includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota,
Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, and all of the
Northeast.

We spoke to God, and he agrees that this split
will be beneficial to almost everybody, and
especially to us in the new country of California. In
fact, God is so excited about it, he's going to shift
the whole country at 4:30 pm EST this Friday.
Therefore, please let everyone know they need to be
back in their states by then.

So you get Texas and all the former slave
states. We get the Governator, stem cell research
and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get
Ken Lay. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get
OpryLand. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get
WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.


We get 85% of America's venture capital and
entrepreneurs. You get all the technological
innovation in Alabama. We get about two-thirds of the
tax revenue, and you get to make the red states
pay their fair share.> >

Since our divorce rate is 22% lower than the
Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy
families. You get a bunch of single moms to
support, and we know how much you like that.

Did I mention we produce about 70% of the
nation's veggies? But heck, the only greens the
Bible-thumpers eat are the pickles on their BigMacs.
Oh yeah, another thing, don't plan on serving
California wine at your state dinners. From now on
it's imported French wine for you. (Ouch, bet that
hurts!)

Just so we're clear, the country of California
will be pro-choice and anti-war. Speaking of war,
we're going to want all Blue States' citizens back
from Iraq. If you need people to fight, just ask your
evangelicals. They have tons of kids they're
willing to send to their deaths for absolutely no
purpose. And they don't care if you don't show pictures of
their kids' caskets coming home.

Anyway, we wish you all the best in the next
four years and we hope, really hope, you find those
missing weapons of mass destruction. Seriously. Soon.

With the Blue States in hand, the Democrats
have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh
water, over 90% of our pineapple and lettuce, 92% of
all fresh fruit production, 93% of the artichoke
production, 95% of America's export quality wines, 90%
of all cheese production, 90% of the high tech
industry, most of the US low-sulfur coal, all living
redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven
Sister schools, plus Stanford, Berkeley, CalTech and
MIT. We can live simply but well.

The Red States, on the other hand, now have to
cope with 88% of all obese Americans (and their
projected health care cost spike), 92% of all US
mosquitoes, nearly 100% of all tornadoes, 90% of all
hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, 100%
of all Televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones
University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. A
high price to pay for controlling the presidency.
Additionally, 38% of those in the Red states
believe Jonah was actually eaten by a whale, 62%
believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the
death penalty or gun laws, 44% believe that evolution
is just a theory, 53% that Saddam Hussein was
involved in 9/11 and - most hard to grasp - 61%
believe that Bush is a person of moral conviction.



I think I've got a pretty even red state/blue state mix of folks reading this journal, so I welcome any red state equivalents or responses to this letter.

Comments

( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
inhim
Apr. 28th, 2005 04:35 pm (UTC)
Except I'm a red man in a blue state. What about me?
low_key
Apr. 28th, 2005 04:53 pm (UTC)
You're confused, aren't you. Don't worry. We Democrats believe there is enough room in our tent for everyone. And I'm sure we can slowly introduce you to our ways, strange and alien as they may seem to you....

We'll start with 20 minutes of Air America a day. (Anyone except Mike Malloy, he's WAY to militant for beginners.) We'll get you theatre tickets to see The Lion King maybe Phantom of the Opera. And you will have to read Fahrenheit 451 (Or some other appropriately banned book.) After that, we'll play it by ear.

Don't worry, we want to make this transition as easy as possible for you. ;-)
kmo
Apr. 28th, 2005 11:34 pm (UTC)
red man in a blue state
Looks like you have a choice to make.

I live in Arkansas, and if this split really did take place, I don't know if I'd stay put or head for the Republic of Cascadia.
amonynous
Apr. 28th, 2005 05:12 pm (UTC)
From a grey person
This wouldn't sound nearly as pro-blue if it was secession on a county level. I think then the red country would have much better stats than the blue country. Of course we all know what the Republicans did the last time the Democrat states seceeded.

And from an economic point of view, the statement about red states paying their 'fair share' of tax revenue neglects to incorporate purchasing power parity - the fact that the cost of living is typically much higher in blue states (due in large part to their policies), so in terms of real purchasing power red states probably do pay their 'fair share', if not more - they definitely bear the harm of minimum wage laws more than the blue states do. Of course also neglected is the fact that tax revenue is not only collected 'unevenly' but also disbursed unevenly, much of it going to blue cities.
low_key
Apr. 28th, 2005 06:09 pm (UTC)
Re: From a grey person
What?! Regardless of how you try to spin this, the conclusion is still the same: Blue states give, Red states take.

http://taxprof.typepad.com/taxprof_blog/2004/09/red_states_feed.html

For more of a historical breakdown: http://www.taxfoundation.org/taxingspending.html

amonynous
Apr. 28th, 2005 07:28 pm (UTC)
Re: From a grey person
Well first off, states do not act, only individuals do.
Second, taxation and government spending have nothing to do with 'giving' taxation is coercive.

My point still stands that state-level analysis is absurd. Looking at Texas for example, you will find that a large share of federal spending goes to blue cities like Houston and Austin. A disproportionately large share of federal tax revenue from states like California come from red counties. Even then though the analysis is stupid. I live in one of the richest counties in the country (a blue one), lots of federal money is funneled into my area - the result? Housing prices shoot up, and so does my rent.

You can call the rational procedure of correcting for local price levels 'spin' all you want, but failing to consider purchasing power parity under the institution of a progressive income tax is only useful if you are trying to 'spin' things.
stanleylieber
Apr. 28th, 2005 05:41 pm (UTC)
Does it sound like such a good idea to leave them with all the nukes? And fewe ideological challenges to using them?
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )

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